Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
