Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
