someone threw a dead crab at me
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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