Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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