I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
