I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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