if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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