I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize