I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
