Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
