I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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