What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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