end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I want a musical about memes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
