I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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