Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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