If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
