So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am one with the molecules
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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