I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
