The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
