Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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