College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
