My girlfriend figured out who you are.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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