Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
