i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
