I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
farters have to be the big spoon...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
