Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
