she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
