I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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