so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She told me I should be a condom model.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
