I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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