don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
