I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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