Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
