dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
