I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dude. I can hear the air.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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