I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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