So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
