I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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