mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
