we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
