Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
