I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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