I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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