Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
she told me i tasted like america
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
