I think my vagina is haunted
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
