Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
