Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
