Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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