So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We're too hungover to prance.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize