your parents love me but you hate me
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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