You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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