smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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