That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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