I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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