Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
