just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
