Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
