Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
