Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
false alarm. still invincible.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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