Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
