Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
