I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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